Days 122-124: Overexposure

Remember when it used to be a novel thing that people would post extensive, revealing photographs of themselves or webcam videos on the Internet--like that girl who pretended to be a homeschooler, but was really an actress? I'm completely enchanted with Noah Kalina and Jonathan Keller who have both been taking daily headshots of themselves for years and years.

What a weird thing it is, to take pictures of one's self. I never gave it much thought until this project. Van Gogh's self portraits bothered me (He painted something like 36 of them). I felt sad that he saw such torment in his own face, and was brave enough to represent it on canvas. The impressionistic techniques can only have enhanced the brutal effects.

I love how intense and real these self-portraits are:

Albrecht Durer

Gustave Courbet

(Okay, he's a bit of a drama queen here.)

 Van Gogh

Paula Modersohn-Becker

People who have professional photographs taken of themselves--writers, politicians, businesspeople, celebutards, actors, brides--they aren't necessarily looking for reality. They want their best selves, not their everyday selves on display.

Photography is such an instant experience now. The digital camera sees every damn thing--if the lighting is right, which for me, rarely happens--and one can't hide a bad hair day, pimple or nose bump. There's always Photoshop for the perfectionist or the artist.

Regular readers will recognize writer Michelle Brooks's comments as coming by way of Michelle's Spell. With every wonderful blog post Michelle puts up, she includes a photograph of herself. They are usually posed, but delightfully honest and fun and unabashedly sexy (the girl can't help it!). She just doesn't have a bad picture day.  When I first started reading her blog, I was blown away not just by her writing (she posts poetry, non-fiction, fiction snippets), but by how brave she was to have all those photos of herself out there for everyone to see.

I read an interesting article somewhere online that talks about self-consciousness in photos--particularly in photos of children. Oldest children are usually the most self-conscious, their smiles often "fakey." They try to smile in a pleasing way, but they're not really into it. Some children start out this way from birth--others pick it up when they're seven or eight. I used to give Pom a terribly hard time about it--but of course that only makes it worse. And so the child has to unlearn it as an adult.

My particular weakness is vanity. I hate having pictures up that I don't like. It's as though I imagine I'll be in some political campaign someday or will have some crime committed upon me and the only picture someone will find is of me with one eye half-closed, or wearing a really ugly bathrobe from you-know-where. (Don't bother to look--you won't find one unless you took it one morning when I was out with the dogs. In which case, you're stalking me, so, go away!)

As you can see by the vast array of dopey, poorly photographed shots I have lying around here, I think I'm almost over all that now. (Still no bathrobe, though!)

Day 122:

I had to look at the date. We were near the end of a long work week. P was gone and I was single-parenting. You can tell by my shell-shocked look.

RL sweater (Sam's): $21, Miley Cyrus cami: $7: Earrings: $7; Faded Glory Jeans: $15  Total: $50

Day 123:

Here I am. Hard at work--bad hair and very little make-up. I really hate how flat my hair gets in the winter. Is yours that way?

George turtle: $10; Miley/Max Azria vest: $14; Norma Kamali cords: $15; Earrings: $69 (Sam's); Necklace: $8  Total: $116

Day 124:

Out with the dogs, Sat. a.m.

Misc. Wal-Mart and Sam's stuff: about $60, plus my cute red rubber boots: $25

Must run. I'm off to meet with a book club which just read ISABELLA MOON!

Days 120 and 121, In Which I Boldly Blend Literature and Fashion

On Saturday, I wrote about letting go of sixty pounds of sweaters and purses. Right now they're weighing down the trunk of my car--probably not enough to make the back of the car sag or get better traction on the snow. Still, it's a lot of stuff.

What follows may sound like a stretch, but bear with me.

Whenever I finish a story, a novel, an essay, a poem (I'm a terrible poet!), a review--whatever kind of writing I'm doing--I have an urge to send it out for submission immediately. I'll have been working on it so long, and so intently, that I don't want to see it again. Ever. Well, maybe not ever. But not for a long time. I get so close to the words that I don't really even see them anymore. The characters' voices have become real just by virtue of their echoing in my head over and over and over. I can no longer see their good qualities or their flaws--Or they just look like one giant GLOB of flaws and I'm embarrassed by them as though I were a fifteen year-old forced to show candid family photos to my friends.

But I almost never pop work in the mail (or email) just as soon as I finish writing it. I like to let it sit. Sometimes it's for a couple of days, sometimes it's for a few weeks. I need the distance to see it clearly. Rewriting gives me more pleasure than drafting a piece of work. I get to reshape the world I've created. Make it better. I'm often stunned by the missteps I've made or the silly, unconscious puns, word repetitions, or obvious gaffes. When I find them, I'm momentarily embarrassed, then thrilled that I caught them before the piece went out.

What happens in the time that passes between my writing THE END the first time, and opening up the piece again for revision? Life happens. Even over a matter of days, I'm a different person. I've learned things, read things, wept, laughed, traveled, thought, cooked, ironed, argued, loved. I can't see the story in the same way because I have different eyes. Different eyes--they're like a kind of extra-added bonus on top of the days we've been given to live.

So, here's the connection: I'd been away from my sweaters and purses for four months. Longer, actually, because I hadn't worn any of the sweaters since last spring. They were always in view, of course--mostly stuffed into my closet shelves in great wads so that after I pulled the first layers out, more wool, cotton, rayon, and silk slid down onto the floor like rocks of a mountainside. Four, seven or eight months. That's a long time. I'm overwhelmed to think how different I am, how different my life is from eight months ago. But, of course, it's not just me. We're all different. Sometimes in really tragic ways.

I found it startlingly easy to set aside more than half of the non-Wal-Mart sweaters I owned. Many of them had been abandoned by me years ago, but I was hanging onto them for irrational reasons. There were sweaters I adored in the giveaway pile. But they don't suit the person I am now or they don't suit my circumstances. "Kill your darlings" is a famous phrase that all writers know. If you love a sentence or word with irrational devotion, you probably need to dump it. There's a difference, I know. Clothes that make us happy or feel good about ourselves are always in style because confidence is always in style. Word "darlings" often just don't suit the actual work. They're too precious, too gilded. But I'm thinking of a certain rose-brown, delicately crocheted, long cardigan that was made to be worn over a tank or cami. It was gorgeous. I'd bought it because I'd seen one much like it on a certain diminutive writer-chick and it looked fabulous. Oh, how I wanted to look fabulous in that sweater! It was expensive, tasteful, charming. I tried to wear it every year for eight years. I think I actually wore it for three whole days over the course of almost a decade. And, still, it was in my closet.

But the months-long distance from all of my clothes has made me see them with different eyes. More critical, more objective, less emotion-driven, and more honest eyes.

As Martha used to say: "It's a Good Thing."

Day 120:

Gosh, I like purple. Too bad this sweater is shapeless at the bottom and acrylic as well. How cute would it be in silk?!

White Stag sweater: $10; To the Max blouse: $3 (clearance); Calvin Klein cords: $17 (Sam's); Earrings: $7 (George, I think)  Total: $37

Day 21:

I call this my Poor Girl's Ducks Unlimited Field Brunch ensemble. Very khaki and earth-toned for camouflage, with a luxe scarf for style. The vest is from the men's department (Great idea, Carrie!) and is faux-sheepskin lined. The outer shell is a reasonably soft canvas. Sturdy zipper. Deep pockets for extra shotgun shells or a dainty silver flask.

Wrangler vest: $25 (men's dept); Norma Kamali French terry 5-pocket pants: $15; scarf: $5; George turtle: $10; No Boundaries belt: $8; Faded Glory boots: $23; Earrings: $7  Total: $93

Visited StLouis briefly this past weekend and browsed some new Norma. More on that later....

Hope you're having a terrific week!

Days 118-119, and The Life of a Sweater (Or lack thereof)

So, how many times have I bitched about how much I hate acrylic?

Today, while I was procrastinating on the last gasps of my novel (I hate writing The End...), I decluttered around sixty pounds of sweaters and purses from my closet. The purses were rather hard to let go of. (Including one very nice Coach bag--yummy black leather, tasteful, made before the days most Coach bags began to look like graphic cereal boxes--that will be showing up at the Carbondale Goodwill next week) The sweaters, not so difficult.

I'm a big cotton sweater fan. You know, "Cotton Is the Fabric of Our Lives..." I love thick, twisted cotton yarns in ivory and pastels. Comfy cardigans are my favorites. But I also love butter-soft cotton. The kind that feels like a paper-thin, cashmere wrap.

There was a surprise in my pile, though. I discovered that one of my favorite cozy pullovers was made of 80% acrylic! The other 20% is rayon, which is made from adulterated cellulose. But the yarns were thick and marled, kind of a boucle. There was a some pilling, but the weave was so dense you couldn't tell. Plus, it was more than six years old.

At six years, a good sweater is just getting REALLY good.

Here's my favorite (now only) Christmas sweater. I know. I say the words Christmas Sweater, and even I think of Colin Firth in that hysterical reindeer sweater from Bridget Jones' Diary. But they can be charming. This one came from Talbots, and I know it's at least six years old. Pic is from Christmas 2007.

Christmas sweaters get light wear, of course. This one is wool, so it's lasted quite well. Here's the life of a good sweater: Front of the closet for 2-3 years. Stylish. Then relegated to weekday/errand wear, maybe with jeans, for 2-3 years. Lastly, it's there to keep you comfy around the house, warm in pleasant memories.

Sadly, the life of THIS sweater will be nothing like that.

I don't think I have any other pics with this cardigan. Faded Glory: $12, 100% acrylic. The reason there are no other pics is because it's become unwearable in public. It was chunky and comfy when the above pic was taken. No longer. It's only good for wearing while cleaning the house or lying on the couch, recovering from the flu.

My lame photography skills won't allow me to show you how bad the sweater really looks, now.

The fading isn't as bad as it looks, here. (The flash washed it out.) But the pilling is much, much worse than it looks. And this after only two washings! 

D + grade for this sweater. It only gets the plus because it was cute before it got washed twice. My first really big disappointment. I guess after four months (TODAY!), that's not too bad.

Day 118:

Yeah. I know. I look like I just gave up my pizza delivery job and ran to Wal-Mart to pick up an outfit for my new job selling off-season timeshares.

White Stag top: $12; Miley Cyrus vest: $14; Norma Kamali pants: $15; Scarf: $5; Faded Glory boots: $23

Day 119:

This is me, pissed off because you didn't buy the timeshare!

Norma Kamali Shirt: $15; White Stag Sweater: $12; Calvin Klein pants: $17 (Sam's); Necklace: $7; Earrings: $7

My college girl/songbird goes back to college this weekend. Miss her already! Isn't it cool when someone brings joy into your life whenever she's around?

Have a terrific weekend.

Days 116 and 117, Plus a Tornado!

The lovely Sally W sent me this amazing picture that a Sam's Club customer took a while back:

I'm petrified of tornadoes. They definitely top my list of least-favorite weather events, right above ice storms.

Thanks, Sally!

Now for something totally pastoral...This pic shows a relatively quiet moment, but the birds were mostly crazy at the feeders this weekend. It's warmed a bit since, and I'm hoping they've found water. I'm jonesing for a heated bird bath, now. Can anyone recommend one?

Day 116:

Am I a Good Witch? Or a Bad Witch? My Christmas gift from Pom. (No comment on her comment!)

White Stag cardi: $12; George turtle: $10; Nine West Jeans (sam's): $17; Necklace: $8; Earrings: $35

Total: $82

Day 117:

I wasn't looking so good. I bought a bright pink sweater that's the same style as the last post's broccoli sweater. Take my word for it--It was warm. That's all.

But I was wearing my practical, new Earth Spirit All-Weather hiking boots with rugged soles. So cute. I felt like I was sixteen again.

 

Boots: $35

Stay warm!

Coincidence? I Think Not! Days 111-114

This past Saturday night, Pom and I watched the adorable and ridiculous Confessions of a Shopaholic on our beloved Netflix streaming account. I've heard not-so-laudatory opinions of the book, and haven't read it, but the film was great fun. Fortunately, the shopping done by the character Rebecca Bloomwood is so over-the-top, that I wasn't too jealous. (Well, maybe just a little....) I confess that I don't own Yves Saint Laurent anything, and definitely nothing Gucci. I like quality, not necessarily labels. The difference between the two can range between the hundreds and thousands of dollars.

So my existential crisis and I decided to take our focus off of clothing for a while and look into freshening up some other areas of the domestic scene. I think that the film certainly spurred me on. So. Drumroll please..................

Ta-Da! I bought a big, sparkly fish:

It's just like the Rainbow Fish because it occasionally scatters its scales. But they're colorful, glass scales and glue back on easily. It's about 18" long. I like that it looks like it has legs. I think we'll call her Lady In Redfish. What do you think?

In case that doesn't seem like much of a shopping spree to you, here's a list of what else I bought: three dresses, a shirt, and a sweater for Pom; more accessories for the awesomely awesome Keurig single-cup brewer we bought ourselves for Christmas; a long candle-thingey for the dining room table; two nightstands, three barstools, and a small console table with six storage baskets. Oh, and a full-length mirror for the back of the bedroom door, a spice rack, measuring spoons and cups and two throw pillows.  *sigh* I feel better now. And I still only spent a third of what I spent on clothes for my first book tour. Best of all--I haven't been to the mothership or satellite since Friday! (A girl needs a break sometimes, plus Pom begged me not to. She went to Sam's with me on Friday and I think it wore her out.)

If you're a Facebook friend, then you know about the birds...On Friday I felt utterly compelled to go to Marion to the Sam's Club there. I had no idea why. I wasn't expecting any new clothes on the tables, certainly. (New: Appallingly pastel/white Izod pullovers with sewn-in striped dickies in Easter colors. Ack! Not even on the golf course!! Oh, but now watch--six weeks from now I'll be buying one from lack of variety. *sigh*)

So Pom and I were sitting in the car while I ate my Taco Bell Taco and small Pepsi (forgot to eat lunch), parked facing the east. I noticed a wide flock of small birds passing above us a couple hundred yards away. And the flock never really ended. We sat there for ten minutes while this dark, undulating ribbon of birds flew north. Don't know what sort of birds they were, but they were small. The sun was getting dimmer and the flock looked like it was coming more from the distant southeast, so we decided to go into the store before it got much later. The whole thing felt like a kind of miracle to me--I'm so drawn to birds. I'm not sure why.  I have my complaints about Southern Illinois, but I feel privileged to be living on the Mississippi Flyway.

Day 111:

Speaking of Sam's.

These separates are from a line called Travel Elegance or somesuch. They're kind of a rough jersey. Mostly I liked the color and the stretchy waistband of the skirt. The jacket has 3/4 sleeves ending in a loose ruffle (like the bottom of the skirt). It looked kind of weird until I turned up the cuffs of my shiny ivory blouse. The ensemble is kind of Reba-ish, don't you think? Boots were definitely the order of the day. Thank heavens for the scarf. I love the way the colors tie in. I was all dressed up for church and then ended up staying home--but I didn't change all day. It was a comfortable outfit, even if I did feel like my hair wasn't nearly big enough.

Travel Elegance (Sam's) Jacket: $34; Travel Elegance skirt: $37; George blouse: $14; Necklace: $7; Earrings: $3; Faded Glory boots: $23  Total $118

Day 112:

"Mommy, you look like a gangster." What can I say? I was really, really cold.

Miley Cyrus vest (I know.): $14; To the Max blouse: $3; White Stag turtle: $7; Calvin Klein (Sam's) cords: $18; Earrings: $7: Necklace: $7  Total: $67

Day 113:

Did I mention I have to close the door on the dogs, or they want to be in the picture?

Layered a turtle beneath the broccoli sweater. The sweater is not good, but it's cotton and cozy w/ the turtle. Please don't say anything about the hair. It was a loooooong, cold week.

White Stag turtle: $7; Sweater (Sam's) $16; Norma Kamali cords: $15; earrings: $7  Total $45

Day 114:

Another in the Bathroom Series. Forgot to take a picture at home, so I came out of the movie theater during the MetLive HD re-broadcast of "Comtes de Hoffmann." Wonderful opera. But, hey, I was in the dark for five hours.

RL sweater: (sam's)$21; Nine West jeans: $18 (sam's); White Stag turtle: $7; earrings: $7; F'Uggs: $30  Total: $83

Thanks so much for all the encouraging comments on my existential crisis. Your thoughts make a real difference for me. : )

Here's a pic of Miss Nina Garcia from today. She's home after having her lady parts altered. Poor thing.

Hope your week is full of warm blessings.